Wednesday, August 18, 2010

It's time to prepare the big speach

When I married my wife four years ago there were also children as part of the package.

That includes two stepdaughters that just turned 14 and 16.

While they are in North Carolina visiting thier real father for the summer, it hasn't prevented me from seeing thier friends around the nieghborhood. And noticing something alarming in the process. BOYFRIENDS!

So I suppose it's time for me to prepare what is commonly known amognst men as "THE SPEACH"

I thought I would rough draft it here for all to see. I suppose it will go like this...

Hi, What did you say your name was? How do you spell that?

Let me make something clear. I didn't ask because I want to be your friend. When you're a little older and have a daughter of your own, you will understand why we will never be friends. Not ever. You may in many years earn my respect, but, I doubt it. I asked so I would know who to tell my cop friends to keep an eye on.

I'm Woodsrunner, _______'s dad. Don't correct me, he's her father, he's not here and I am the male head of household here. When I married her mom, I became her dad. And by the way, I take the job pretty serious.

Because I'm her dad let's get a few things out of the way.

First, because she's my daughter, she will never be anybodies doormat. Nor will she ever be described by any derogetory word that your generation seems fit to use as song lyrics. Remember that. Also remember I have kicked the asses of better men than you. You think I'm old. Old age, experience, and treachery will always trump youth, remember that

Second, she has a curfew. I will decide what time she has to be home. I reserve the right to set this time as any time appropriate to the event that you are attending, and by my personal schedule. By curfew I mean she will be home, in the house and you will be gone. You can gain points towards that respect by her being here well before curfew. You will also gain alot of points by asking me what time I would like her home, every time you pick her up. You will lose points very fast starting 30 seconds after curfew. 15 minutes after curfew, I will be calling my cop friends and giving them your name with correct spelling.

Third, For your first ten to fifteen dates, my daughter will not be alone with you in a car after dark. Why, because I said so, deal with it!

Fourth, You can address me as Mr Woodsrunner or sir, Her mother will always be Maam. I already know you are calling me asshole or worse behind my back. Trust me I'm glad you feel that way.

Fifth, I know you think I'm pretty old. But, I know I'm not old enough to be a grandfather. In nine months I still won't be old enough to be a grandfather. I will be very very upset, If I'm forced into a job I'm not old enough for. BTW, Have you heard about my large antique gun collection? Did you know, they all are perfectly functional? I know for some strange reason, Websters has left the definition of shotgun wedding out of thier dictionary. Don't worry old school guys like me are very good at explaining the definition. BTW did I mention I have several cop friends? I also have a friend that is a former cop. He went to law school, now people address him as "Your Honor". I'm sure that after a long day of sentencing scumbags, he would love to proceed over a shotgun wedding.

Those are the rules, they are subject to change at my whim. WHY? Because I'm her dad and I'm still breathing, that's why.

There is one last set of details I wan't you to ponder. My daughters ancestry is Puerto Rican and Irish. The Puerto Ricans were mostly spaniards. Have you ever seen a spaniard or an irishman lose thier temper? Trust me it isn't pretty. Now remember another two facts. There is much truth to the old saying about hell having no fury like a woman scorned. Next fact to remember. Remember that gun collection I mentioned? My daughter is a better shot than I am.